My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Looking at you, Jesus.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.