My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
You Might Also Like
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real