My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You Might Also Like
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid