My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
❤️❤️❤️
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁