My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]