My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
three things we don’t talk about
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-