My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
LMAO
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?