My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.