My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
You Might Also Like
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
called in thicc to work this morning
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.