My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
You Might Also Like
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes