My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My purse is deeper than some people.