My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I love art.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
for all #parents out there
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.