[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

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Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”


I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything


Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game


When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”


I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits


If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?


If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.


I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too


Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.


Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.