@ThisOneSayz

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

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@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@N_Doemostmuted

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

@rusty_coach

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

@

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

@BrandyLJensen

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

@LizHackett

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

@JohnMayer

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

@signalborder

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.