[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
You Might Also Like
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.