My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
You Might Also Like
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“What movie?” 🤔
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Don’t make me out nice you.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
meanwhile over on facebook
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze