My first child will be named New Folder.
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birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Found my door mat
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.