My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
You Might Also Like
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG