[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.