My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
damn he’s good
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.