[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.