[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.