(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
😍😂🥰😂😍
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years