[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions