[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I believe the plural is “milves.”
honestly, i need both:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.