[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.