[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
this is so top tier i cant
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍