My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.