@Pork_Chop_Hair

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

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@Proxic0n

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@Mom_Overboard

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

@robdelaney

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

@DogGoing

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@Book_Krazy

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection