my first dose meeting my second
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Knock Knock
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Doctors texting each other.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time