[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
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Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
When you kidnap a writer.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like