My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Rather alarming headline…
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
How it started How it’s going
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.