My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover