My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.