My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
We like the way Dwight thinks
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
secret recipe
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
lol
This made me smile…
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
No, I don’t think I will.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!