My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
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If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me too
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird