My first son he is wonderful
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
2 years later
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming