@djdarrellripley Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
@IvoryGazelle My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
You Might Also Like
@djdarrellripley 
@ThisLocalHater Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
@awordforaword Dead
Alive
Other✔
@zachreinert0 Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
@better_off_dad2 ‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
@MikeDrucker 2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
@nameshiv All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
@badbanana Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
@DonTakano “White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*