@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

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@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@zachreinert0

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@better_off_dad2

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@nameshiv

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

@badbanana

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

@

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*