My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed


2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment


All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets


Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.


*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*