My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both