Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
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Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*
*Creates a soulmate*