My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I am having an out of money experience.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.