My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Worth a try
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?