“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
never ask a starfish for directions
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”