My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
He-man has a Masters degree
i’ve found my new favorite subculture