My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
But wait…
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
584.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*