My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.