My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
What even happened today?
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch