My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Chicago sounds lovely.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Everyone’s family