My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How animals would run if they were human
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.