My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos