My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?


Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.


I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel


Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.


[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi


The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.


Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.


20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib


Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.


I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.