@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

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@DaddyJew

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

@

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@IfIwassomething

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

@Smooheed

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

@ThisOneSayz

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.