@DammitLarry1
@jellybnbonanza My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You Might Also Like
@jellybnbonanza 
@JohnLyonTweets I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
@OhhCathcart Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
@treydayway Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
@Elizasoul80 What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
@BDGarp I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
@daddydoubts Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
@wolfpupy occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
@BrickMahoney Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids