@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

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@jellybnbonanza

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@Elizasoul80

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

@BDGarp

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

@

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

@daddydoubts

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt