@DammitLarry1
@DaddyJew If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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@DaddyJew Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
@LostCatDog I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
@Boleyngirly Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
@fro_vo [Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
@IfIwassomething The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
@fillthevacuum Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
@Smooheed 20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
@ThisOneSayz Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
@TrophyCatas I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.