My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
You Might Also Like
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?