My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.