My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Lmfao
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.