My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
The first one, obviously
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary